TO NEVERNEVER LAND
Alias ‘Jo'burg to Manguzi’
Beware the potholes
If millions of vaalies can descend on Ponta D’Ouro through our town on a regular basis, armed with quad bikes, jet ski’s and the kitchen sink, then you too will make the journey.
I recommend the following on your road trip:
- A great selection of music, or a sung repertoire of 7 hours
- A good book on the passenger seat for waiting at roadblocks. Right next to your padkos.
- A high velocity paintball gun for shooting free range cows on the road.
The best route is by far the N1 north, then the N4 Witbank through the tollgates. As you get to Middleburg, you will see a sign saying Middleburg/HENDRINA: turn off here. Turn right, over the highway, and continue along this road, admiring the aesthetic landscaping being created by the coal mining industry. Try not to blink when passing straight through Hendrina.
Eventually you will be forced to enter ERMELO (sorry to those who lived there). Follow the sporadic signs to Piet Retief. This is a deceptive, tricky bit, and heaven forbid you get lost in this town.
Once you are on the Piet Retief road, breathe. And watch out for cows, trucks, potholes, skdonk vehicles and people. It is 100km to Piet Retief, and then another 100km to Pongola, having passed 'straight' (this is perhaps ambitious, as their main street has potholes big enough to sink a truck) through Piet Retief, with only a brief stop at their fine Wimpy.
Pass straight through Pongola, and avoid their garage. Now follow the directions to the individual hospital below:
For Bethesda:
Take the ‘Northern Maputaland/Jozini’. Turn left, and then approximately 1km further along the Jozini road, turn right at the ‘Bethesda/Mkhuze’ turn off. This is a dirt road. Do not panic. After passing a bridge with good sightings of white fronted bee-eater nests, you will see a definite road to your left. This now becomes tar, and winds its way up a steep mountain pass to Bethesda. You will see the hospital gates on your right, at the top of the mountain, if you haven’t been tragically taken out by the Mkuze Bus on it’s way down the hill.
For Mosvold:
Take the ‘Northern Maputaland/Jozini’. Turn left, and the fun begins. Wind up and down the mountain pass, and avoid pinning the tail on donkeys that hide behind blind corners.
Eventually you will reach Jozini. If it has not already slid down the hillside, proceed through it with caution. As soon as you exit it, there is a fork in the road. Left goes over the dam wall, and right leads you down a precarious dirt road which is great for mountain biking and plastic surgery, but not much else. Take the left over the dam wall.
Continue on for 40km. Do not hoot at these cows. Also realize this particular strain would dwarf a small 4x4. The road is tired, so 70km/h is an acceptable speed should you value your shocks. If you hit a cow, load it and bring it back as compensation.
Continue cautiously for approximately 40km, when you will arrive at a T-junction, aptly named ‘T-Junction’. Turn left, and wind your way up 30km of mountain pass, generously decorated with sharp-inhalation-bottom-pinching hairpin bends harbouring cows, trenches and geriatric cars, until you reach Ingwavuma. The hospital is on your left. Ingwavuma's fuel station is one of a dying breed that recognize the need for quality R&R time and only operate until 5pm. You have been warned.
For Manguzi:
Take the ‘Northern Maputaland/Jozini’. Turn left, and the fun begins. Wind up and down the mountain pass, and avoid pinning the tail on donkeys that hide behind blind corners.
Eventually you will reach Jozini- resist the urge to scream and try to convince yourself that a) the cows are really NOT eating refuse out of the bin at the petrol station, and b) the whole town is really NOT going to slide down the mountain in the next big rainfall.
Now comes the tricky bit: as you drive out of Jozini (phew), keep left and drive OVER the dam wall. Should you miss this, you will discover, to your surprise, that the road has suddenly become dirt. So over the dam wall you go, and now it’s go slow country where the cows would make Ronald McDonald weak at the knees. They’re huge, and so are the potholes. Continue cautiously for approximately 40km, when you will arrive at a T-junction, aptly named ‘T-Junction’.
Turn right at the T-junction. Continue for another 75km of the worst speedbumps ever built by man. Poorly signposted and cryptically coloured, they are vicious enough to flip a truck. BEWARE. DO NOT SPEED. Eventually you will arrive at one traffic circle- go straight over it (hell, its smaller than some of the speedbumps), and continue for 23km until you reach Manguzi. This road drives into our one street town. You will go down and up a small hill and sharp corner, then over a big speedbump, another 2 singles, an Engen on the right, a big bump, and then you will see a small road on your left. This is the hospital road. The potholes are to ensure we have a regular supply of patients.
Drive up this road and into, well not into, but you know, the hospital gates. Try and convince security you now live here, and don’t ask them what exactly they are looking for in the boot- they panic.
For Hlabisa:
Continue straight down the N2 towards Empangeni. Pass Hluhluwe. About 50km further on you will reach a rather over-ambitiously large intersection with a fly-over bridge. It is here that you must turn right. Proceed for another 50km, stopping at length to wonder at the ingenuity of the forefathers in placing Hlabisa Hospital on the OTHER SIDE of the Hluhluwe/Umfolozi game reserve corridor. Enjoy the game viewing for free. Hlabisa will eventually materialize on your right hand side.
For Mseleni:
Continue straight down the N2 towards Empangeni until the Hluhluwe off ramp. Take this and turn left towards Hluhluwe. Continue through town, round the two pointless traffic circles. When you encounter the third useless circle, turn left. Go over two speed bumps and continue about 500m. On the right is a road over a railway track, which reads ‘Sodwana/Mbazwana/False Bay/Big 5’ or something to the sort. Turn right and resist turning left again at the ‘ice cold beer’ sign.
You carry on with this road over some annoying speed bumps placed at just the right intervals to stop a pacemaker. This road takes you on a 1.5 hour journey into your next 12 months of reality. Beware of cows, goats, people and (apparently- I think it’s a tourist scam) hippo.
You will pass straight through a few circles. Eventually you will see a sign saying KwaNgwanase/Farazela. You are doing well! If you are negotiating a dirt track, you are not doing well, turn back, pass begin, and do not collect R200.
Approximately 40km after this (13km after passing through a labyrinth of traffic calming structures that would put a jo’burg taxi driver in ICU) you will see a sign to Mseleni Hospital on your right. 3km up the road is your sleepy hollow.
DIRECTIONS FROM DURBAN
TO THE DEEP BUSH
KZN traffic control
As surprising as it is to most people, there is actually 200km of coastline north of Richards Bay. 330km if you’re from ‘North Coast’ Umhlanga….
Cell phone reception is slightly dodgier than in that dip between two high rise buildings, and we take ‘free range’ lifestock very seriously. Our cows are happy, free roaming cows.
Negotiate your way out of Durban and onto the N2 North Coast/Stanger. This may actually take you longer than the rest of the trip. Proceed with caution for sneaky happy snapper traffic police……
…past KwaMbonambi and Mtubatuba…..
To Hlabisa:
After passing KwaMbonambi and Mtubatuba, you will grow suspicious as you cross the ‘Hlabisa river’. You are close. Soon you will reach a rather over-ambitiously large intersection with a fly-over bridge. It is here that you must turn left. Proceed for another 50km, stopping at length to wonder at the ingenuity of the forefathers in placing Hlabisa Hospital on the OTHER SIDE of the Hluhluwe/Umfolozi game reserve corridor. Enjoy the game viewing for free. Hlabisa will eventually materialize on your right hand side.
…or until you reach Hluhluwe turn off (about 3 hours).
To Mseleni and Manguzi:
Take the Hluhluwe offramp, and turn right over the highway towards the town. Continue through town, round the two pointless traffic circles. When you encounter the third useless circle, turn left. Go over two speed bumps and continue about 500m. On the right is a road over a railway track, which reads ‘Sodwana/Mbazwana/False Bay/Big 5’ or something to the sort. Turn right and resist turning left again at the ‘ice cold beer’ sign.
You carry on with this road over some annoying speed bumps placed at just the right intervals to stop a pacemaker. This road takes you on a 1.5 hour journey into your next 12 months of reality. Beware of cows, goats, people and (apparently- I think it’s a tourist scam) hippo.
You will pass straight through a few circles. Eventually you will see a sign saying KwaNgwanase/Farazela. You are doing well! If you are negotiating a dirt track, you are not doing well, turn back, pass begin, and do not collect R200.
Approximately 40km after this (13km after passing through a labyrinth of traffic calming structures that would put a jo’burg taxi driver in ICU) you will see a sign to Mseleni Hospital on your right. 3km up the road is your sleepy hollow.
But for Manguzi,continue straight, and finally you will come to a circle (straight after a previous circle 200m back, surprise surprise) which indicates KwaNgwanase/Farazela/Manguzi Steers to the right. Turn right and carry on for about 23 km.
This road drives into our one street town. You will go over 6 small ones in a row, down and up a small hill and sharp corner, then over a big one, another 2 singles, an Engen on the right, a big bump, and then you will see a small road on your left. This is the hospital road. The potholes are to ensure we have a regular supply of patients.
Drive up this road and into, well not into, but you know, the hospital gates. Try and convince security you now live here, and don’t ask them what exactly they are looking for in the boot- they panic.
If, however, you decide to pass on our beautiful hospital (shock, horror), and want to visit one of the other district hospitals like Bethesda and Mosvold, try these directions:
To Bethesda:
Do not turn off at the Hluhluwe off ramp. Keep going straight until you get a turn off about 50km later that says ‘Jozini/Northern maputaland’. Take this turn off, and then approximately 1km further along the Jozini road, turn right at the ‘Bethesda/Mkhuze’ turn off. This is a dirt road. Do not panic. After passing a bridge with good sightings of white fronted bee-eater nests, you will see a definite road to your left. This now becomes tar, and winds its way up a steep mountain pass to Bethesda. You will see the hospital gates on your right, at the top of the mountain, if you haven’t been tragically taken out by the Mkuze Bus on it’s way down the hill.
To Mosvold:
Do not turn off at the Hluhluwe off ramp. Keep going straight until you get a turn off about 50km later that says ‘Jozini/Northern maputaland’. Take this turn off and continue up the mountain pass. Stop briefly to admire the view, and side step neatly for that well placed goat/cow/donkey/rock in the road on the blind side of the 100th blind corner. When you drive through Jozini, resist the urge to scream and try to convince yourself that a) the cows are really NOT eating refuse out of the bin at the petrol station, and b) the whole town is really NOT going to slide down the mountain in the next big rainfall.
Now comes the tricky bit: as you drive out of Jozini (phew), keep left and drive OVER the dam wall. Should you miss this, you will discover, to your surprise, that the road has suddenly become dirt. So over the dam wall you go, and now it’s go slow country where the cows would make Ronald McDonald weak at the knees. They’re huge, and so are the potholes. Continue cautiously for approximately 40km, when you will arrive at a T-junction, aptly named ‘T-Junction’. Turn left, and wind your way up 30km of mountain pass until you reach Ingwavuma. The hospital is on your left.
